Jesus Fermented on Saturday

Xanthan, I think this poem is fantastic. Your brevity is masterful and hard. But what amazes me the most if the effect of the title on the poem. Such a mystical, profound, thought that does not eclipse the poem, but shrouds it, and makes it transcendent.

wine glass on the kitchen table,
ninety percent empty. pills - three white, - semi-colon here
one crushed, the rest taken.
and in the dismal solitude of her house, - ooh, suspenseful adjetives
she weeps - one grayish hand clutching her face,
the other limp. With just an upturned ear,
she can hear her bones clatter with
every shake and sob. - Wow.

in three days, the alcohol will be
frozen in her blood. so she must writhe on the
stone bed of the tomb until her vision
blinks blind.

for how else could she
see heaven, but without her
salty eyes?

I don't get the salty eyes part, but the rest was fabulous! So... wow. How can I explain it? Deep, I suppose. The tiny-ish bit depressing, and pretty suspenseful I must say. It tells you how much alcohol can ruin a person. A nice message to the kids! =) if you clean the poem up a little you could probably publish it.

I liked this a lot. ^_^ I'm not quite sure how, but the lack of emotion brought up... emotion. Something about how she's in some cold lifeless stone tomb both creeps me out and makes the lack of emotional wording very appropriate for the poem.
Anywho, very nice job.

Great!
Be sure to put capitals however:

'Wine glass on the kitchen table,
Ninety percent empty. pills - three white, <- oo...
One crushed, the rest taken. <- goooood
And in the dismal solitude of her house, <-even better imagery
She weeps - one grayish hand clutching her face, <-dreary
The other limp. With just an upturned ear, <-nice, I like what you did here
She can hear her bones clatter with
Every shake and sob. <-great line

In three days, the alcohol will be
Frozen in her blood. so she must writhe on the
Stone bed of the tomb until her vision
Blinks blind.

For how else could she
See heaven, but without her
Salty eyes?'

That was a brilliant poem, really. The ending was excellent too and I loved the poem, just all of it! So dreary and ill yet an amazing amount of imagery and meaningful messages.

Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~

Howdy xanthan gum. ^^

Okay, to start you need to capitalise your lines. Not all of them, just those that would usually need it - start of a new sentence and whatnot.

I adore your last line, your last stanza actually. I love the meaning and the thought in it. And it touches quite well.

Some of this was bland and slightly clinical, but I don't think it added to your poem.

"With just an upturned ear,
she can hear her bones clatter with
every shake and sob. "

This is lovely, but just before it your words lack all emotion, so it ruins the effect. I think you could do just as well to describe with more emotion, to allow the end meanings, and beauty - for it is quite beautiful - to develop properly.

This is in equal parts dissapointing and lovely. The meaning and some of the imagery is fantastic, but it gets lost and whatnot. With soe work this could be awesome. ^^

If you change it at all, please Pm me, I'd love to see it.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Very sad and dreary but in a good way. I got the impression of suicide- hope that was what you were trying to imply. My only suggestion would be to take out "so" in so she must writhe on the
stone bed of the tomb until her vision
blinks blind.

And then emphasize blind by capitalizing it. Great imagery, makes me really sad though!